Whole 30: Day 3

I have been toying with the idea of doing daily entries/updates for my Whole30 plan I’ve recently embarked on. But does anyone really want to hear daily about how I eat salad for breakfast, can’t find grass-fed bacon without 75 ingredients, or am so. over. eggs. it hurts? Probably not. Then, when I woke up this morning feeling okay, and searched frantically on Google for other people’s Day 3 symptoms, finding very few matching mine, I had another idea. Maybe the vast majority of you don’t want to hear about my weird little adventure..but I can tell you right now that I’d LOVE to hear about as many people’s Day 3 as I can get my frantically-typing fingers (hands?) on.

I woke up feeling okay. I have a faint headache, but can’t be sure if it’s attributed to the ‘The Hangover’ the Whole30 timeline references, or if it’s a case of ridiculous pressure systems in this crazy province. Can one really be sure? I will tell you one thing though: this is no where near as bad as I expected. I’ve gone low-carb before, cut out bread (and fruits, that time), and the withdrawal symptoms hit me hard. Granted, I was eating a lot worse at that time in my life than I was before started this little endeavor. So I am questioning myself now…where am I going wrong? Is my body using the few pieces of fruit a day I have been consuming as a crutch? Stop it body! You know you have problems when you’re wanting a splitting headache and to feel like absolute garbage..that’s how you know it’s working, right?

Camp food has limited options (for breakfast and lunch especially), so I am really looking forward to the variety I will have when I get home. I plan to pack some snacks, and definitely some lean proteins for my return back. That will save me from eating hardboiled eggs for lunch every day (they also offer assorted lunch meats and bacon for protein sources..but I’m going to go out on a limb and say the camp offerings here are definitely not Whole30 compliant: sugar, nitrates, soy, anyone?).

So, right now, my typical day consists of:

Breakfast: Egg whites with tomato slices and “fruit-of-the-day” on the side (which is either strawberries, blueberries, mangos, or raspberries).

While technically, I’m sure Whole30 would prefer me to eat whole eggs here, and not just the whites, but they make the whites like an omelette (with no fillings), and I’ve grown to love it. It’s like a blank canvas and can be eaten like a crepe with fruit in every bite (I know ..I’m a freak).

Lunch:

Salads, with whatever lunchtime vegetables they offer me that day (with hard boiled eggs)…and usually a banana (because I am a fruit addict, which I am weaning down slowly).

I am lucky enough that I have a mini-kitchen at work. I brought a big bag of vegetables (broccoli, cauliflower, onions, carrots and celery) and I’m going to make a veggie stir-fry today (with hard boiled eggs on the side ;)). Can’t waittttt.

Dinner:

Usually they offer two entrée choices which so far I’ve been able to select a plain-looking meat (no sauces!) and lots of delicious vegetables. There is also a salad bar that is far better than anything I would do at home and gives lots of different vinegars and oils to make your own dressing. Go camp! Last night I had two turkey burger patties with mustard, tomato, and lettuce,  a small roasted sweet potato (score), and a salad creation, and an apple for “dessert” (I love apples..).

Snacks:

Whole30 does not encourage snacking, and suggests you consume 3 meals a day (plus pre and post-workout mini-meals). I’m so used to eating 6 or so mini-meals a day that it’s been super difficult for me to stick to this so far.. I’ve decided to give myself a week..and if I’m hungry between meals I will eat a compliant snack:  celery sticks with nut butter and a hard boiled egg, for example..

Anyways, that’s my “only interesting to a very small percentage of the population but I simply don’t care” blog post for the day.

Love!

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Please no negative comments regarding this post. Advice is very welcomed, though.. in any form.

I understand that many people will have differing view points on what I am doing, saying, thinking, dealing with, but please, no judgement. I am trying to do what is best for everyone and everything.. and unfortunately I do not have an infinite supply of money or resources. I love my dog, and I hate to see her, or anyone else suffer.

I will also note that if I thought she, in any way, displayed ANY signs of aggression towards humans, this would be a different story.. just makes it even harder.

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Rein is 5 years old. When we adopted her at the age of 3, her little butt wiggled as she wagged her tail as hard as she could.. I swore that if she ever hit it against something, it would break right open. She was the most powerful thing that I had ever loved. She was my responsibility and I was ready.

Rein is my first dog. I have a special bond with her that I cannot begin to explain. She’s been with me through tough times, sad times, silly times, and a few of the happiest times of my life.

She is so well behaved. She will fetch, return, sit, lay down, shake, high-10, roll over, crawl, and give lots of kisses. She has never chewed a thing, or peed in the house. She doesn’t bark, and she is so gentle with everyone from elderly to babies.  She loves puppies. And I love her.

Rein is aggressive towards other dogs. As my first dog, I learned this the hard way. I was ignorant, and I had no idea what I was doing. Why not take her to the dog park? Her paperwork upon adoption (from a legitimate rescue organization) said she is “great with other dogs and frequents the dog park”. I still don’t know whether they were lieing to me, to themselves, or something changed in her during that four months she was behind bars, waiting for someone, for us….to rescue her. She bit a dog that day, but she did not draw blood. She was so, so sorry. She rolled onto her back and looked at me with her big brown eyes..she didn’t mean to. The other dog was fine, but looking back I wonder if it would have been if we weren’t right next to her when it occurred.

Since then, Rein has gotten worse. At first, there were select, large, male dogs that she could be friends with and play, although dominantly. Now, she is okay with Ben (our other dog, who was adopted as a puppy), and she is okay with puppies. She is not okay with other dogs: male, female, small, large.

We put her through $400 group training, it did nothing. We hired a private trainer. He told me I was being crazy, it was “all in my head’, she was “so well behaved,” and I needed to “learn to trust [my] dog”. She fools everyone. She is such a beautiful soul. On our last session, he felt she was ‘ready’. I knew she wasn’t. He brought his dog, and forced me to introduce her to him. “Trust her, you’re being silly,” he kept saying. I know she can feed off my energy, so I did everything I could and I calmed myself. I trust you, Rein..you are ready for this. She wasn’t ready. This time she drew blood. He said it was his fault, and he was sorry. It wasn’t his fault, it was my fault.

After pulling her off this dog with tears in my eyes, something clicked inside of me. I don’t trust her, and I don’t know if I ever will.

Once, when Ben was just a puppy, house training, and needed to be rushed outside. I had left the door open a crack. I made a mistake and I saw it happen as I looked over my shoulder and up the front steps. It is a feeling I can never explain in words. She ran at a small dog.. It was too much for me to handle. I cried and cried, and J held me and told me it would be okay. Neither of us knew how to handle this. She laid on her bed all night, she wouldn’t even look at us. She knew it was wrong. The dog was fine, but the next day we were given a paper to go to court. We lost, of course, and had to pay the $500 fine. I would pay all the money in the world to have Rein be okay..

It is exhausting. We cannot leave the door open for even one second,  cant unload groceries the way you usually would,  can’t open the doors when it gets hot out–I don’t even trust the screen to keep her in..it’s too risky. We have to cross the road when we see another dog, and I have to be aware when turning corners..always. No one else can walk her– I don’t even trust J. I am so afraid of what will happen.. We can’t take her on walks in busy places, and have to avoid popular hiking trails because we might pass by another dog — it is that bad. I have to walk Ben separately, so he continues to interact properly. I keep telling myself she is worth it..but I just wish she could be normal.

“It’s all about the owner,”  or

“Don’t blame the dog, blame the owner.”

Do you know how many times I’ve heard that? I believe it, too, and I hate myself for it.. Perhaps in this case, it’s all about the owner she had before us..for the first three years of her beautiful little life. Or maybe I just don’t know how to help her.

Last night, our neighbour saw me walking her and told me to give her to him. We know him quite well, and have spent many nights eating many dinners in their home. I told him no, she was fine, and we were headed home. He insisted, telling me she would “never get better if I didn’t train her properly.” He did a few things, made a few Caesar Milan sounds, and next thing you knew, Rein was laying calmly at his feet, succuming to him. He was the boss. Again, if you met Rein in the absense of other dogs, you would think she was one of the most well behaved dogs ever– this fools people. Next thing you knew, he was going to introduce her to his dog. I objected, again, but he insisted it was fine — it was his dog, and he knew how to handle things. I just wanted to believe him. I wanted everything to be fine. Things weren’t fine. Neighbour apologized and went home. He said it was his fault. It wasn’t. It was mine.

I called J at work, crying my eyes out, telling him we had to figure something out. Rightfully, he was frustrated and overwhelmed..who wants to deal with that call at work? I am desperate.

I don’t know what to do. I feel like it is unfair for her to be in these situations. I don’t want to hurt her anymore. I don’t want her to hurt anything else, ever again. Logically, is it reasonable for me to assume I will never let anything like this happen again? For the next 9+ years of her life? She’s always on high-alert, her ears back, sniffing around for other dogs, and when she see’s one, there’s no reasoning with her. She cannot be calmed. She leaves her sweet, calm self, and she transforms into something I never want to see again. I feel like it’s only a matter of time before something bad happens.. It’s horrible to say, but I just don’t know. Are we going to wait until we have a $10, 000 fine (that’s actually the amount for the next offence), court appearances, and someone’s best friend is dead? It’s harsh, but it is a possibility. And what if a kid gets in the middle of it?

We aren’t allowed to rehome her, as the Humane Society had us sign a form saying if we ever got rid of her we would bring her back there… I just can’t do that. Why pawn the problem off on someone else? If there was a way to deal with it.. I would be. I know they will just put her down, after a few (at best) months of trying to rehome her themselves. What is our other option? Do we put her down ourselves? I can’t bear the thought. I just can’t even think of it.

I wish we could move away, somewhere far away and live on a farm with a million acres and nothing nearby. I wish we could save you, Rein. I wish you were old, and could just pass away peacefully in your dreams. I wish that was a reality..but it’s not.

I love you so much, but I have no idea what we are going to do.

 

 

25 days..

Our wedding is coming up fast..like really fast. It feels like yesterday that I was sitting on the couch with Jamie discussing vendor payments that were due at the 6-month mark. Well, we definitely don’t have 6 months anymore. I’ve put in four solid months of healthy eating and exercising, I’ve been praticing trying to be a ‘wife’ and do laundry (without waiting for 10 loads to be ready..) and make dinner, and pack lunches with fresh baked goods. I’ve started cleaning up every night after dinner (instead of leaving the mess for the next day), and the dish washer hasn’t sat clean for more than an hour before the dishes made their way back to their place in the cupboards. I am starting to feel like a grown up.

And then last night it finally hit me. I am getting married in just over 3 weeks. We are no longer able to use the word “month” when describing the distance of the wedding. Not even “one month away”. Nope, we even passed that. We are now at weeks. Weeks away. We were sitting on the couch, facing one another, and I grabbed both of his hands. I think I squeezed almost too tight for comfort, and all I could say was “I’m so glad you’re going to be there.. it would be way too scary without you”. It brought tears to my eyes. Not sad tears, just happy, nervous tears. We are really doing this.GOP-Engagement-18-XL

I’m not going to lie, the whole thing feels strange. It feels a bit scary and it feels a bit too ‘adult’ for me. It feels right, don’t get me wrong, and I am ready to get married, and obviously I am completely sure of what I want, but it still seems a bit surreal. I mean, we are planning our WEDDING and subsequently our MARRIAGE. I am going to be a WIFE and have a HUSBAND. Next we are going to be flying away on our honeymoon, just the two of us. Soon we will be planning for children (don’t tell James I said soon…it makes him panic, too) and I’ll be having a little baby with cute little dimples, just like it’s Dad.  In a way, I just thought I’d feel different when this time came, I’d feel prepared and ready and like a real adult.

When I was 20-ish and in my second year of University, I remember asking my Mom when I would start feeling like an “adult”. To me, that meant feeling truly independent, not wanting to cry to my Mom when I was upset, and not craving hugs from my family when I was away from home. It meant being confident in my decisions, and not having a mini panic-attack when signing mortgage papers with James without my Mom present (yes, I actually had that thought). I remember her telling me that I was a grown-up. That my mindset was probably pretty much developed, my views and opinions were there, and all that was left were some life lessons and some time to grow internally. She said I would always need my Mom (and that she still needed Grandma), and I’d never stop having a tiny part of me that didn’t feel fully ready. Man, she was right. I don’t think I’ll ever get over needing hugs from my Momma, or stop missing the fresh, comfy, safeness of my bed at Grandma’s house.

Anyways, I guess that was a bit of an aside (^^) sorry… hahagop-engagement-7

I can’t wait to put on my dress, and get my hair all done up and be surrounded by everyone I love and care about. I cannot wait to walk down the aisle towards James and see his face. I will probably start running once I see him (towards him, of course) so I can sneak in a quick hug before I pass out… Here’s to the next three weeks!

Just because I am SO curious…do my quick poll. I’m having a deep day, I want some deep advice.

 

Love,

Ashley.